Tuesday, October 18, 2005



I was 16 I think, if I remember well. A damn boring Friday afternoon in the fucking hot July. It was the hottest summer in last ten years. I didn’t know back then that it would be a hell of a summer for me.

I had no feeling to do something. I didn’t even pick up the phone when Sam called. I mean, I knew it was him. He would ask to go to town again, like everyday. Going to the center, hanging around in the Café the Hill, wasting money in the gambling machine, playing pool, hit on some girls for fun—and with no success. Fuck it, I didn’t want to go anywhere at the moment, decided to sit in my room, tried to kill time. Or was time trying to kill me?..

Then heard my mom.. Need something from the grocery, put the shopping list in my hand. Damn. I get pissed off at her, without thinking about the 9 months in her belly.. Am I a child? Why is this fucking list, bitch?. Before I slammed the door behind me, I heard her complains about me that I wasn't doing anything all summer.

Just walked to the grocery. It was really fucking hot. Martin, my class mate, was behind the register like everyday. He was working during the summers in his father’s grocery. I knew that it would be his one day. He knew it too. But he was a damn idiot, probably that was his only life ambition, fat ass!. He was such a jerk, never liked him, he never liked me either. He gave me the eye when I was passing the apple stand. I really wanted to take one and throw it to his huge head. “Jerk”, I thought. I finished the shopping, put it on the desk and started to look around when he was calculating the cost and putting the shopping in the bags. I've looked at the candy’s on the stand, they wee calling me “take me, pick me up!”. I really wanted to fight with Martin, don’t know why. I decided to steal one, just to annoy him that he could scream then we could fight. Don’t know why I wanted to fight. Just I wanted. Looked at him, he was busy. I took one candy, he didn’t see it. Damn it. I took another one.. He didn’t see it either. “What an idiot.” I thought. Put the candy’s in my pocket and took the bags, paid the bill. He looked at me, I was still hoping that he would say something, I thought about the apples, thinking which one to pick! He didn’t say anything.. I left the shop, I was pissed off at him that he didn’t say anything, though I was a goddamn thief now.

Then I heard her... “You don’t want to eat those candy’s, do you?”. I was shaken, what was that? I looked back and saw her, a nymph, an angel.. I must looked quite stupid probably, couldn’t say anything, couldn’t even breath. I said “What?”. Sounded very silly I guess. “Candy’s...” she said, “you didn’t pay for them”. I mumbled “What?”. Yes I am sure I looked like an idiot. I took the candy’s out of my pocket. “Oh these, how I forgot.. Ehh. I wanted to pay, but..” She smiled. “I like the red ones”. I was shaken again, was this serious? I smiled back.. Gave the red one to her.

We walked back home. Her name was Alice, 15 years old, was on vacation to visit her uncle for two weeks, which was almost over. He was living next door to us. How I never saw her then, I was an idiot. She told me that she saw me couple of times, when I was making my sculptures in our backyard. She wanted to be a photographer after school, was looking forward. She told me that she liked my sculptures and she told me many other things. We talked a lot, in such a short time and such a short distance. She had a lovely smile, very broad. In each laugh I was falling in love with her. I was 16, I was just an idiot. We walked the damn road. I was making smaller steps to slow the time, But we came back home. "Yes, all the beautiful things don’t last long" I said to myself. I should say that to her.

She gave me her address, I forgot to give mine. The next day she left. After that I wrote a very long letter, with very carefully chosen words, I had a nice photo of me, put it in the letter.. She wrote me back, then I wrote back. The letters followed each other, every letter became more open, more warm and more lovely. We wrote about everything, our feelings, our dreams, our lives. We even called each other and had long conversations, but the letters were more intimate. She was really impressed by me and I was impressed by her. She was far away from me but I felt so close to her in her letters. The year passed by, next year I wanted to make a surprise and went to her town. Just for one day.. I was so excited when I get off the bus, would she like to see me, would she hold me or kiss me?.. I went to her house and ringed the bell. Her sister opened the door, told me that she was on vacation with her cousin, she would be back in 3 weeks. Damn, very active girl. Why she never mentioned that?. I felt very stupid. 17 years old and felt very stupid. I went to a café near by and wrote a letter, wrote everything, my failed surprise, how I missed her. I wanted to let her know that I cared too much for her etc.. Damn me. Then went downtown to post office to send it. I came for nothing, no reason to stay.

I entered the post office, started to wait on the line. If I knew that devil was waiting for me I would took the bus right away and leave. But I was there and saw her. There was a guy between me and her. Damn, how is she beautiful, she was gorgeous. I looked at her, she looked back. I smiled. Or was she first? It didn’t matter. How evil I am, I was there with my love letter in my hand and looking at her. She was next, came close to the post officer and put her letter on the desk. Then suddenly the guy in front of me left to cue. Yes, I am sure this was the devil’s game. I came close to her, tried to read the letter and find her name and address. First her name... A-m-a-n-d-a.. While she was talking I read the address. I started to repeat the name and address, like a mantra. Damn, I shouldn’t forgot this… Amanda O’Brien. Amanda O’Brien… I was next. She left the post office and looked at me once more. What a lovely smile. Amanda O’Brien.

That night I wrote a letter to her. I was so evil, I looked at the copies of old letters I wrote to Alice, I stole the words to write Amanda. I finished a letter, a really nice one ,“Dear Amanda, I am the guy at the post office...” I finished the letter, put the same photo I sent to Alice in it. I wish I didn’t have any copies of that photo. Next week I received a letter from her, “Dear ...”. She was very impressed with my words. Of course, I was writing to Alice over a year, I was trained! I started to write letters to her, my second platonic love. I get an secret pleasure from this, but didn’t keep it long. After a few letters I found some excuses and stopped writing letters. Alice was only one for me, I didn’t want to loose her. I’ve decided to explain all my feelings to her, I couldn’t wait. I wrote a very open, emotional letter. I’ve bought an earring, made a very lovely packet, put a flower in it and sent to her.

A week later I got an answer. I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to open it. I tore it down in a rush and started to read, “Dear …, I read to the letters you wrote to Amanda. She is my best friend since 2nd grade, we are in the same class...” I felt the earth moved away under my feet. The letter changed to a hot stone, each word was a flame, I was burning when I read. But she was very calm. She wrote that she understood. Of course, she was smart, she knew how an animal I was. She didn’t keep it long. I felt so ashamed, so stupid. How could I be such an idiot, how? A class mate, best friend. I didn’t even wanted to think about the probability of this, how could happen?. I sent the same photo, used the same words.. I wanted the kick the walls, the doors, kick everything, kick myself!…

We wrote each other again but now was different. Very boring letters, things about stupid daily stuff. There was no emotion, no feeling left. Those letters had no soul anymore.. A year passed again, I started to art school, studying sculpture. Alice wrote a letter to me to congratulate. We made an appointment to meet at the school cafeteria. I had a book in my hand “Michelangelo’s Complete Works”. We sat on a table, started to talk about small things, then the conversation opened up, like the old days. I felt shame. She understood and stopped. I stopped too, now there was this uncomfortable silence at the table, there was a ghost flying between us. I started to look around, still silence. I looked at the book’s cover, there was a picture, the paintings of 16th Chapel. God is touching Adam, Adam’s is looking at me, I am looking to the ground. Corner of the book is damaged.. I couldn’t look and say anything. Then she wanted to leave, I took farewell. On the way back home I decided not to call her anymore, not to write anything. It’s over. Weeks later she sent a letter, very angry “when we were far away we were close, when we were close we become distant. I think there is really something called ‘FAR’, that’s just in front of our eyes, right next to us”. Damn.. Yes, that’s her task, she teaches me a lesson. A painful lesson. But I didn’t call her again and time passed by.

I am at the 2nd year now, sitting in the cafeteria with a friend. I hear a familiar voice, right behind me. Turn back and see Alice, she is sitting there with a friend, looking at me. She smiles, I smile back. What is she doing here? I look empty, she comes to me and give me a packet. My old letters inside. “I wanted to remind you who you were, maybe you forgot” she says.. I am speechless. God, what are you doing to me? I ask if she wants to have a drink. She sits we start to talk. She tells me everything again, with her lovely voice. I hear the words like a nice waterfall floating from my ears . She has come to apply photography department in my academy, just arrived, arranged a place to stay etc. She has seen me last week and remembered the old times. I don’t know what to say. I tell her that I have a photo album of Man Ray, if she is interested she can borrow. She thanks me, we make an appointment for Monday and leave. It’s Friday, I go home and think. Is this a sign, a chance to make things better? Is she interested in me again?. All weekend I fantasies about things. I don’t know, but I feel happy. Maybe it’s my second chance.

I write a letter, very emotional, lovely letter to pull through the pass, to cure my feelings. I put it in Man Ray’s book and leave home on Monday. I am very excited. I go to our meeting point, I am quite early actually. Suddenly I see her with her boy friend, hand in hand walking towards me. She sees me, drop his hand. I don’t know what to think, why is she doing this to me? She comes to me. They come to me. “Hi” she says, ”this is Mark”. “Nice to meet you” he says. “No”, I think “it’s not nice to meet you”... I give book to her, say couple of things, not important. Take a quick farewell and leave. I don’t want to look back, I am confused, furious, angry. Damn, I forgot the letter in the book. I just walk, faster and faster..

Two weeks later, she is accepted to the school. Now I know, this is really a devil’s play. After that I saw her couple of times, talked about small things, usual chit chat. She gave my book back, never said anything about the letter. Or something else. She started to date with one of my friends. I started to see her more often. Damn, I said, I stole one candy once and look what's happened. But it’s not important anymore, I just say “fuck it”. I think about old Martin, he must be cynically laughing right now.

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